The Science of Heartbreak—and Why It Hurts So Much

You don’t forget the moment it happens. The silence after the last sentence. The way the air shifts in the room. The sound of your own heartbeat where a voice used to be. Breakups leave you winded. Not just sad, but disoriented, unmade. Even the worst person you know has felt that quiet, bone crushing grief.

Breakups are one of the most human things we experience. And still, we treat them like emotional speed bumps. As if you’re supposed to cry once, maybe twice, then move on.

But pop culture knows better. In movies, music, and myth, breakups are both pitfalls and milestones in self-discovery. Beyoncé’s crash out looked like Lemonade. Taylor Swift gave us all ten minutes of All Too Well. Olivia Rodrigo’s Drivers License launched her into stardom as the voice of a new generation of heartbreak. Even the downfall of Antony and Cleopatra didn’t just end a love story, it reshaped history. We return to heartbreak again and again, because it reveals something essential about us: that even when we lose, we’re capable of loving with our whole selves.

And yet, for something so widely felt, the aftermath of a breakup is rarely given the seriousness it deserves. What we experience isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. Biological. Moving on, then, is not just an act of willpower. It’s a process your entire body goes through. And it’s anything but simple.

For this story, Allure Philippines sought the expertise of Fully Psych clinical director and licensed psychologist Fab Calipara, RPsy, and Myrna Joyce Sanchez, PhD, of the Loyola School of Theology who is a counselor for families, couples, and individuals at the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM). Because heartbreak is never just a feeling: It’s a full-body, full-soul event.

The biology of heartbreak

Breakups don’t just affect the heart, they cascade through the entire body. In her work, Calipara has seen this firsthand. “When clients come into my clinic, they may appear composed on the outside,” she says, “but inside, heartbreak can weigh heavily.”

The grief that happens in a breakup isn’t just metaphorical. A breakup can dysregulate the brain and nervous system. Calipara explains that breakups hijack neurochemical systems and affect brain regions, along with the nervous system. The result is a full-body experience of grief, dysphoria, and withdrawal.

This may be why heartbreak often shows up as a physical illness: digestive issues (no, the feeling in your stomach isn’t butterflies!), insomnia, panic attacks (nope—not your ex taking your breath away!), and even chest pain.

So when you say you need time to physically heal from a breakup, science can back up why you feel that way. This study from 2023 revealed that 19.6 percent of the 1,731 participants whose symptoms met the criteria for major depression identified that the main cause was a romantic breakup.

Another study from 2019 also found that depressive symptoms were present in as many as 26.8 percent of people who experienced a breakup in the past six months. Breakups have also been found to cause or exacerbate anxiety, which includes tension, panic attacks, and feelings of terror.

And, no, your friends aren’t just harping about how “healing isn’t linear.” Calipara agrees. “Healing from heartbreak is messy and nonlinear. The loss of a relationship, especially with someone who became part of your core [memories], is never easy.” So if you find yourself suddenly crying after eight months of thinking you’re finally okay, you are okay. The dips are just part of the process.

That grief you feel post-split often begins long before the final goodbye. Dr. Sanchez explains: “While the couple is negotiating the breakup, [they’re already grieving] the breakup of the relationship. When a couple isn’t getting along with one another, they begin to grieve the expectations we have before we get married. And when these expectations aren’t met, you lose something. You lose a dream. Ang mga nag-asawa, they don’t marry and say, ‘Anyway, if it doesn’t work, we’ll separate.’ So [staying together] is a dream. That’s an expectation, and that’s [a] loss. That’s what people who separate grieve.”

Moving on? Always easier said than done.

We crave clean endings. A final conversation, a last apology, a clear villain in the story. It’s human to want a sense of resolution, a line we can draw between “before” and “after.” But heartbreak rarely offers that kind of symmetry.

“Heartbreak teaches us something about love, about ourselves, about boundaries. Closure, then, may be the wrong pursuit.” says Calipara. “What we need isn’t always a full stop. It’s integration. I often tell my clients, rather than ‘moving on’ in the sense of erasing the past, it may be more helpful to integrate the experience and extract meaning from it. Otherwise, we risk carrying resentment instead of wisdom.”

When it comes to coping with rebounds, Dr. Sanchez urges caution. The impulse, she explains, isn’t always about genuine attraction or love. “You’re not really attracted [to the other person] or you’re not even beginning to [fall in love with] the other person. You just want to replace the person that just left.” For her, this bypasses the deeper work of healing. “[You’re] not really accepting that you can be by yourself, [that] you can be on your own.”

What the brain craves is not simply peace. It’s coherence. That’s why we replay conversations, stalk social media accounts, look for hidden signs we might’ve missed. But sometimes the absence of clarity is its own kind of trauma.

“Attachment styles significantly shape how we recover,” Calipara adds. “Someone who grew up with a secure attachment is more likely to have a stable sense of self. This makes it easier for them to bounce back.” Those with anxious or avoidant styles, by contrast, may struggle more with ambiguity, with the emotional weight of questions that may never be answered.

Still, no attachment style can promise immunity from grief. Healing also depends on personal choice, mindset, support systems and even spirituality for some. And maybe that’s the hardest part: learning to carry open endings with grace.

“Closure is something you need to give to yourself,” Dr. Sanchez says. “It’s a personal decision that you have to make. It’s your own peace of mind and happiness. Do not depend on your partner. It’s yours.” For Dr. Sanchez, the path forward is self-directed: “What you want to do with your life after the separation is yours. How you would like to be happy, that’s your decision. How you’d live a fulfilling life after—that’s your decision. And you work on [that].”

Science-backed ways to heal

There’s no shortcut through heartbreak, but there are ways to soften the edges. While time is essential, how we spend that time matters just as much. From talk therapy to nervous system work, the science of emotional recovery now offers more than vague advice. It gives us tools.

This is where practices like therapy come in. Not just to “talk it out,” but to restore equilibrium across the entire system. Techniques you learn in talk therapy, like “cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps restructure negative thoughts,” says Calipara. “Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can process traumatic relationship memories, and somatic work brings the body into the healing process.” What matters most, she emphasizes, “is that the person is willing to work through the pain.”

One age old trick that always works? Going no contact. “Think of it like a wound,” Calipara offers. “If you keep exposing it to dirt, it won’t heal properly. But if you keep it clean and give it space, it heals faster. In the same way, emotional wounds need boundaries and safety to recover.”

Calipara also reminds us that, as difficult as it may seem, breakups should be faced with honesty and hope. “A breakup is just one chapter in your life, not the whole book. So yes, cry if you need to. Feel it fully. But also make a conscious decision to keep turning the pages and to move forward, one step at a time.”

It does get better, believe it or not.

Breakups don’t just hurt. They change us. But maybe that’s the miracle of it all. To hurt like this means you cared. It means you let someone in deeply enough that their absence left a mark. And in that sense, heartbreak is a strange kind of proof that you were open, alive, and capable of love. It’s hard to make peace with the loss of promises you never even got to hold. Still, healing happens. Slowly, unevenly, and often when you least expect it. Moving on isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about carrying it differently.